Unwanted Grace

Life these days have simply been consisting of just days, weeks, months, and sooner or later, years.
There hasn't been a stop button to realize all the things thats happened, how it affected me, and how it affected everyone around me. And don't even get me started with how God was just lost within all the chaos life has brought me.

Days past, and what seems like hours, turns into months. It's been months, i would even say maybe a year or more since i've stopped to really acknowledge God, and give Him the proper time of day.
I think its a struggle we all go through...

We say a simple prayer when we need Him most, and maybe we thank Him when He does help us out. Rarely we really take the time to talk to Him. To really hang out with Him.

I've been trying really hard to take baby steps into stepping back into faith. It's so hard and i'm not sure how long it'll take to become the women of God i  had hoped to be when i first was "born again."
To have so many expectations for yourself, for God, from God...it all just becomes too hard, and i give up.
But i'm hoping this slow progress will get me to where i need to be. It's been a really tough past year or so, and i think back to God and how i survived...and it really is grace. To be exact, unwanted grace.

When life gets tough, or even when you decide to go deep into the world and what it offers, we forget that all we need to do is crawl out of it. But we feel dirty, unclean, and unwanted as it is. We forget that grace is right in front of us.

When i disobeyed Him. When i turned against Him. When i put up a brick wall toward Him. When i gave Him the cold shoulder. When i ignored Him. When i insulted Him. When i denied His love.
---- At the end of the road, He simply gave me grace.

Thinking back to all that, really just brings me to tears. How foolish i was, how ignorant, stupid, and really any word revolving that action. And how i got to the place i'm at now?? It's amazing really.
I have so much more to go, so many more obstacles to face.

But i know that with God's grace, i can do all things.
The real hard part is actually stepping out, and grabbing the hand that's been there all along.

"I Survived"

2015 was probably one of the toughest years of my life.

Being prone to keeping everything to myself, exerting out more than i was able to handle, and giving more than i was being given ... brought me to a place of loneliness (far too many times), anxiety, uncertainty, distrust, and more. There were many times where i hated everyone, and even myself for getting into situations that i knew weren't "me" and wanted to get out. It was even worse when i realized that all i had in the end was myself, and of course God.

My last post was about me realizing that God is still faithful through it all - and He most definitely is. Most of this year was filled with a lot of distress, self-hate, and contemplating life itself. However, with the grace -- i emphasize grace, of God...i survived. He gave me the right people, and right circumstances to push myself everyday, and to get to the semi-okay place that i am today.

That semi-okay place got me a new job, and a new best friend. I never knew I could find this, so called "love" that everyone talked about and boasted about on social media. And to selfishly find it, in the time I was most undeserving... Just shows how amazing He really is. And for being by my side through my toughest, most vulnerable time, I'm forever grateful.

I'm hopeful that 2016 will be filled with the growth of my mistakes, and more positivity. I'm so certain that God will be with me, every step of the way, just like He always has. Even when i'm straying, or am doubting Him, i know that He is faithful. So in this coming year, i hope to be more faithful back.

With that, i have a few "resolutions" that i'm hopeful to fulfill this fresh, new year!

1. Lean on Him.

2. Thank Him, even when times are rough. And especially when times are great.

3. Laugh more, and think positively about every situation.

4. Use your time wisely- especially investing in the relationships with people that count.

5. Travel as much as you can.

6. Never say no to an open opportunity. Always be looking forward!

7. Tithe.

8. Be intentional (you missed that memo in 2015)
9. Don't worry about what people think.
10. Love hard.