This might come off a little too personal/really long so don't read on if you don't care heh.
So tonight i went to the women's ministry on campus tonight and they were starting a new series about "Identity." Today's main focus was "Redeemed...with a Purpose."
I forgot her name but the guest speaker just shared her life story and then testimony, struggles, and current present. Obviously it was very general because how can you really sum up your whole 25 years of life in 1 hour? The main points she brought out really struck out to me. For some reason, the words that were coming out of her mouth seemed like it was words i might one day say myself.
There wasn't a huge climatic event or tragedy that happened in her life..but from what it seemed, her childhood until late teens was tough. They were different scenarios but the emotions seemed to match up to my own past. And thats when it happened. I immediately tried to just push my memories of my past back where it belonged.
This is something i learned about myself recently. I tell my friends and others all the time to talk about whats going on, engage in conversations that will better your current emotions, vent, and let others know whats going on. If you know me, that is just one thing i absolutely hate! I will stay up hours and do whatever i can to try my best to help you talk it out and try to even talk it out of you! ...But i just don't feel comfortable calling up someone or reaching out when i need it. Yes i'll rant and talk about the facts. But will i actually let everything out? Nope. never. lol. So yes i know i need to take my own advice but it is just so dang hard!
A quick back story..
Before coming to Trinity, i knew that although God will have amazing things planned for me..there will also be a lot of struggle. One of the struggles will be confronting my past. I knew that the steps i needed to take to become a leader in His kingdom involved a lot of forgiveness, confrontation, and healing.
One thing the girl mentioned was that God didn't give me struggles to just get rid of it. If He wanted us to forget about it and never let it affect us...why would we even go through them? Not saying that he purposely creates horrible situations that we're faced with but...the things that happen to me don't define me. What i do with it ultimately defines what i become.
Because i had a tough childhood and i didn't feel loved growing up doesn't mean that i'm not loved by God or by people. Doesn't mean that i'm going to let my ugly past affect whats happening now. So yes, i definitely need to come face to face with it and come to terms with a lot of the baggage i have..but i know there was a purpose to it all. And for future things that may come up, i just have to remind myself that i'm just living in the story God is telling. He has a plan for me and as long as He's the story writer, i'm in great hands.
And whatever purpose it is for..i know that just like the girl who spoke to us today, i will one day get there. She still struggles with her relationship with her dad but her heart was healed throughout the years. Now she gets to connect with young girls and boys who grew up in similar situations as she did. She gets to ministry to those who she can relate to. She gets to show them that it gets better. How awesome is that? There is just so much beauty in that. Man oh man. That really got to me.
I use to tell myself that in the past too though. I use to say, "hey sarah! right now..things really suck. like really really suck. And you didn't do anything to deserve all of this..but you know, there are going to be tons of people that will need your unfortunate but blessed testimony once you get through it. Survive, and let them know that all it takes is trust in God and knowing that out loving God will never forsake you." --- Although i said all of this constantly just to keep myself going, it just really clicked today.
She didn't let her situation, family upbringing, childhood, or any of that define her. She allowed herself to be defined in God and in what He had in store for her (it was music for her :)) With that, she can just embrace her past, and let it help others around her. That's the kind of God we serve and know. A loving, a just, a compassionate God.
But something was just weird.......maybe it was seeing someone actually be in front of me..who went through all of that but still managed to go to school far from home (kinda like me !), learn what unconditional love meant, fall in love, get married, and go through all the inbetweens that lead her trinity tonight. I suddenly got emotional. For some reason, i felt like i was undeserving.
Before y'all get crazy! The reason i felt that way wasn't because i felt like it was something that would never happen to me. No. That was the issue. I believed with my full heart that i was going to be okay. More than okay actually! I literally believe and know that God has an amazing future for me. I don't know why i'm so confident! But I know that God will bring me to places i never imagined. I know He'll teach me lessons that will mold me. I know that He'll bring me loving amazing people..and eventually a loving man of God and family that i never imagined. He will exceed my expectations and more. And thats where my discomfort was. Do i deserve it? I don't even think that is the right way to describe it. I just felt like it was too good to be true~ but then again i knew it was true!!!
BUT ...again i don't think my life will be without struggle till the day i die! ha! life would be way too easy then. But i do know that even with the struggles, there is beauty in it. We, as people who stumble and fall daily..can bring out that pain and hurt-- and make it a part of us- A part of us that eventually made us stronger and into the woman/man God wants us to be.
Yeah sooo i warned you! For those who read this whole thing, thank you..you guys must be bored! LOL~ Just playing. Please talk to me. I'd love to just share more and really pray for the both of us! all of us! Another thing, if you guys have any prayer requests, please fb message, cmmt as anonymous, text, call, etc. I'd love to pray for you and with you! It's really amazing to see how God works to bring out the good in all He does.
Do Everything In Love, Always~
SK
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